Battle of Life

May peace be upon you.

17th May 2015: 

Today marked the 9th day we're here at Medina & Mecca. Left with 2 more days to go. 

To be truly honest, i can't wait to go home. People always said, when they're here, they don't feel like going home, they want to stay here for as long as possible. Some even considering settling down here.  Why don't i? Only god knows.

Why am i here?

1) God wants me here

2) Was instructed to "cleanse" my soul.

3) So that i'll change to what THEY want me to be, and THEY can be HAPPY with themselves. Because they know what is right and what is wrong for ME, MY LIFE. I'm not good enough for them, for the society. No i'm not.

Why am i here? Really?

1) God wants me here

2) To fulfill their "instruction". 

3) So that i can ask for MY HAPPINESS, a better life, a better perspective, a better self inside and out. Not to make them happy. To make me happy and satisifed with myself, with what i've become and achieved. In return, could make others happy. Including THEM. But,i have to be fully-contempt with myself first. 

Mind the gap?

No one likes to be told how they should live their life. Indeed, we have our book of guidance as our general guideline to live our life, it is there to guide, to teach what's wrong and what's right. In the end, it's you who should have control over your own life and bare the consequences. 

I have alot of flaws and i'm fully aware of that. From the most obvious:

1) hardheaded / stubborn /coldhearted (depends with whom and situation)

2) easily influenced

3) indecisive

These are the top three which i could think of right now. 

But i'm also aware of my strength:

1) always always always try my best to stay true to myself (be sincere in everything i do or say)

2) determined 

3) when i do things i love, i do it passionately without giving a damn about the return or reward i might get (i take sincerity seriously)

4) Definitely Independent

Please undertsand the first point. Im trying to be as sincere and close to my heart in whatever i do. You're only pushing me away if you keep oppressing me and forcing me do things im not willing to.

I'm not broken, i'm not damaged and I'm certainly not possessed by any demon for god sake. I don't go around town causing troubles, ruin people's life or even mine for that matter. I don't do drugs, i don't drink, i'm definitely not a party girl or a social slut.

I'm just an ordinary girl who happens to prefer outdoor stuff rather than staying at home be the typical "gadis melayu ". I love sports, i love hang out with my friends, i love adventures, i love being independent, i love challenges, i love travelling. I don't like ask people for help, i'd do anything to fix my own problem before seeking help from others coz i don't like the feeling of being owed to someone and i don't like to burden people. Hence, i always keep things to myself, except with people who do understand me. There's nothing wrong with me. Really. I'm doing fine with what i am right now. Tell me that's wrong. 

"Jodoh" 

I truly believe everything that has happened, for a reason. Good or bad, we'll never know. But God has put me in this situation, right here right now. There must be something greater for me to grasp out there. I'm sorry for dragging everyone in this, i really do. I should make it clear since day one. I should make it final since the day i failed to keep my promise. Or even before that. I thought everything will fall into place if we get married. Apparently not. There were so many signs that i've ignored past few years, yet i still keep going. Again, things happen for a reason. We learnt from it, we make ourselves better, we prepare ourselves for the future. When we are fully ready. Maybe not now, maybe later. 

And with that, i'm going to take control of my own life now. I'll make my own decision, i'll bare the consequences, i'll take charge. Please understand that i need to learn from my own mistake, and i need to make my own judgement. I need to learn to be better from MY own experience in life. Not from yours. We live and raised in different generations, it's impossible for me to live by your standard willingly and i know it's hard for you to accept that time changes everything, including the way of my thinking, the way i see life, the way how i should live my life. 

If your concern is me not being religious enough, well we all have been through that situation haven't we? And maybe we're still there. Who knows, except for God. Be close to God, and God will be close to you. That's all that matters. At least for me. Again, my approach may be different or i may not appear / have the true muslimah traits, but i know my stand. I'm not going to sacrifice my believe for anything else. If God wills it. Let me create my own path. Please. Just let me.